miserable (!)

today staying at home the whole, supposedly i meeting heartheart. then in the morning my mum ask me whether can don't go out today, i was like why. then she tell me that 3uncle is coming to my house then i was like what the hell. she say is safe to stay at home then go out, if not scare later he keep say about my relationship after that my stepfather will confirm get piss off. so i just stay at home, the worse things is that i never spare a thought for heartheart. no matter how many sorry i say nothing will change the fact. if he want to get angry with me, i will just let it be. since he going to NS. at first i want to try not let him be upset before he go in. but i had done it, nothing can change the fact just only can face it. whenever he say that i destroy his plan it make feel very guilty, don't know what to do then will make you happy. seriously i really don't want this to happen, i am just like a idiot that only make you angry upset but not happy. i simply just very tired, want to give myself a break. there are alot of things happening now a days, i really very confuse and want to really put down everything to leave a simple life. i know that this kind of life will not happen on my life. my life there are plenty of challenging part to face it and overcome it. it seem like i cannot do anything to life but can choice my own future. i don't know why life must stay until so miserable but i tell myself i will learn to face the reality and stop being childish. i really stop it and reflect on myself about it, i am tired. just want to stop everything and end my life. but i tell myself if i just end my life just meaningless, i really a jerk. because i will hurt alot of people first my family, heartheart and those people that care about me. that the reason that i be independent for so long until i met jeremy. but it seem like after met him my life still no change because i still need to face the reality on how people look at my boyfriend. actually i cannot don't care how people say about him but if people keep say bad things about us i will confirm nasty to those people and straight ignore the person. even though how hard my path will be like i will definitely need to continue to walk until i found my goal/achievement that i want. i need to work for the sack of my future, then i can give happiness to people around me. i don't want to disappoint those people that care for me, i want to show them that even though i not that smart but at least i know what i want in the future and i want to make my family to proud of me rather than they disappoint on me. so from now i need to plan well for my future, firstly need to work to earn some income while now school have not start. when school start need to work hard score well and go poly. JIAYOU JIAYOU (Y!)